Conquering the Guilt of the Gravesite

Dear Cherished Reader,

Today is Saturday, October 6, 2024, at 2:21 PM. As I was driving past a cemetery, something remarkable happened. For the first time in 4 years, 3 months, and 21 days—1,574 days since my daughter’s life was tragically taken by gun violence on June 13, 2020—I felt a shift.

Burial sites have always taken my breath away, and just saying the word “gravesite” has brought a wave of disruption to my inner spirit, forcing me to confront the painful reality that my precious 23-year-old child rests in such a place. A place I had once associated with the elders in my family. How could this be my family’s reality?

For so long, cemeteries were a harsh reminder of my loss. They represented the unbearable truth that my Nia—my beloved 23-year-old daughter—was no longer physically here with me. But today, as I passed that cemetery, I felt something I hadn’t expected—peace. My soul and spirit weren’t overtaken by the usual sadness, grief, and despair. Instead, I was reminded of the resilience I’ve been building over these years.

Grief is such a personal journey. In the many support groups I’ve attended for grieving parents, I’ve learned that while we all walk this path together, our journeys are uniquely ours. There’s no one way to heal, and no right way to survive the unbearable loss of a child.

But today, I claim victory. Victory over the guilt that has haunted me for outliving my babygirl. Victory over the pain that was meant to destroy me. And most importantly, victory in knowing that Nia’s spirit is with me always. She’s my guiding light. The gravesite, while sacred, is simply where her body rests, but her spirit is alive and present with me in every step I take.

I now stand firmly on the Biblical scripture in Daniel 12:2, which describes the dead as "those who sleep in the dust of the earth" and that they will awake through resurrection.

Today, I embrace my baby sleeping. Her love, light, and purpose—which is the meaning of Nia’s name—continue to guide me on this journey of growth, healing, and transformation.

With profound love and enduring hope,

LaTanya